Upload one photo and your newborn becomes this quarter's cover star — exclusive interview, playful stats worked out from their actual birthday, the works. Free to make and share. The clean, frame-ready file is $7.99.
Week one is a blur of laundry and 3am negotiations with someone who cannot yet hold up their own head and is nonetheless unmistakably in charge. Nothing about a newborn suggests authority, and everything about them exercises it. That gap is the entire joke, which is why the announcement cover writes itself: enormous type, very small tyrant, total compliance from the staff.
At nine days old the stat block is almost empty, and that is precisely the joke — absurdly small numbers reported in absurdly grand type. “Infinite potential” lands hardest when the subject has been alive for a week and has achieved nothing beyond existing loudly.
Newborn shots work best in the first couple of weeks, while they still curl. Use a window with the light coming from the side rather than overhead, and get down level with the face instead of shooting from above. A plain blanket beats a patterned one — the cover crops in tight, and busy fabric fights the masthead.
A real sample, not a mock-up — every number below is worked out from the birthday, so this is what a newborn actually gets:
Olivia — with the “The Boss” personality:
1 day in. Infinite potential.
I don't cry. I communicate. I don't follow a schedule. I set the pace.
7 bottles of milk drunk · 3 poops · 10+ farts (est.) · 4 outfit changes
A clear shot of the face works best — we'll frame it like they own the place.
First name, birthday, and a personality. That's the whole interview — we write every word.
Share it free, or grab the clean 8.5×11 file and frame it.
Watermark-free 8.5×11 file at 350 DPI — prints true-size on letter paper at home.
Making and sharing the cover is free (it carries a small watermark). The paid download is a clean, watermark-free 8.5×11 file at 350 DPI for $7.99 — that's exactly US Letter, so it prints true-size on paper at home or at any print shop.
Upload one photo, add the first name and birthday, and pick a personality. The cover writes itself in under a minute — interview, cover lines, stat block. No account needed.
The birthday. Every number is worked out from how old the baby actually is that day — at newborn that comes out as 7 bottles of milk drunk, 3 poops, 10+ farts (est.). Nothing is invented, which is what makes the numbers funny.
Yes. Covers live at an unlisted link only you can share, they're never shown publicly or used for advertising, and free covers are automatically deleted after about 30 days.
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